Knee Jerk Reactions to Week 15: Patriots vs. Bills

Things to consider while starting production on my Netflix docuseries, "Exasperation: A Visual History of Bill Belichick and Communication Devices":

--The exact date of the first Knee Jerk Reaction I ever wrote is lost to internet history. But I think it was about 2002, on a Patriots message board. I'd just noticed a few things over the course of a game that amused me. I was interested in trying to figure out what Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel had drawn up that week. Noticed a few plays that guys were making the announcers had overlooked. And had an outlet for unformatted, grammatically incorrect musings in an audience of 100 or so anonymous drones with Tedy Bruschi avatars. I've been doing them here since I came to Barstool sometime around 2004. I think I missed one game in 2008, but other than that I've KJRed the bejeebers every single other one. And never, in all that time, have I ever been at such a loss for words as I am right now. 

--For the life of me I can't comprehend what they're doing, on either side of the ball. The receiver routes that went practically unchanged from Weis' time are unrecognizable. The deep passing game is non-existent. The defensive backs are practicing responsible social distancing. There is no pass rush to speak of and virtually no attempt to scheme one up. If you lined up the entire roster, military style and say, "All of you who've had a moderately OK month, take one step forward," you'd see everyone standing where they were with the exception of Ryan Allen, Nick Folk, Justin Bethel and maybe Sony Michel and one or two offensive lineman. Other than that, no one with a shred of self-respect would shame themselves by saying these last three games have been acceptable. 

--So, yeah, I could start anywhere. But let's begin with the face of the franchise himself. Saying that GM Bill has let down Coach Bill is a lazy narrative and I leave it to others who don't take pride in their work to make that lame argument. The fact is that since beating the Chargers 45-0 four weeks ago, Coach Bill's team has collapsed around him like a Jenga tower. They're 0-3, been outscored 84-24 and have one touchdown. The plan to build a run-first team around Cam Newton and then grow a moderately effective passing game out of that using play actions, boots and misdirections stopped working in September and no Plan B has emerged since. The tight end position is a complete non-factor. The secondary, which should be a strength of the team, hasn't been able to cover the deep middle all year. To the point that every time a quarterback goes into a throwing motion, you find yourself just assuming he's going to connect with his target 15-20 yards upfield between the hashes and you're rarely wrong. And the tackling has been abysmal across the board for weeks. The punt coverage unit, which is the strength of this team, I'm sorry to say, left a gunner split out wide uncovered. Some of that is on GM Bill. But Coach Bill and his staff don't get a pass by any stretch.

--And remember all those years we spent wondering what it would look like if Tom Brady left or the Pats had a down year? This is what it looks like. Humiliation and ridicule in the form of cringey, Uncanny Valley, "Polar Express"-level animation:

--And while we're talking about Belichick and ESPN, is there any rational person without a vendetta against the man that truly believes he told the Monday Night Football crew that he doesn't think much of Josh Allen because his defense held him to 180 yards or whatever? First of all, those production meetings are the biggest exercise in shameless grabassery this side of Carpool Karaoke. Second, how can anyone have listened to him spend 20 years pumping the tires of failed Bills quarterbacks from Brad Van Pelt to Kelly Holcolm to JP Losman and EJ Manuel just to rip into the best QB the franchise has had since Drew Bledsoe? Unless this season has actually broken Belichick, he'd die before he'd utter anything remotely close to how they portrayed it. But that story will be taken as gospel truth and live forever. We know how these things work. 

--But whoever is responsible for that wasted challenge coming out of halftime is going to be feeling some Old Testament-level wrath, I can promise you that. I've heard from inside the organization that the people responsible for replays hasn't gotten them in front of the right eyeballs in time on a few occasions this year. And I'd be shocked if the floor of the Patriots A/V Squad headquarters isn't covered in rolling with heads right now.

--Now to the quarterback. I wouldn't try to pin it all on him. In this particular game of Clue, there are plenty of suspects in the murder of the passing attack. It's not just Cam Newton, in the pocket, with an errant throw. He simply could not have delivered a better ball to Damiere Byrd on that double pass if he'd had a server in white gloves lift a silver dome and present it to him. And it hit Byrd in the chin. But that was one of those plays that was schemed up perfectly for Newton by the previous play. Josh McDaniels ran an outside zone toss to Michel that was sprung by a Jakobi Meyers downblock on Mario Addison, Justin Herron bouncing out on Levi Wallace, Jakob Johnson sealing off AJ Klein and Joe Thuney slipping up to the second level on Trumaine Edmunds, good for 28 yards. Great play call, even better execution and showing a toss to the Michel on the other side on the next play made Buffalo bite leaving Byrd uncovered. But therein lies the problem. The only chunk plays they seem to be capable of right now are the gadget ones. I'm still waiting to see Newton take a 3-step drop, plant his foot and get the ball out with any degree of confidence and accuracy. 

--Consider the 3rd & 9 just before the half. Down 24-9, they'd moved the ball some. Gotten it out to their own 39. Newton had a relatively clean pocket and N'Keal Harry left unattended. He was on the move. Stepped into his throw. And proceeded to bounce it. Not for the first time in the game, either. (He bounced a target to Harry on the previous possession, though there he was hit.) These are the throws you have to make before you can move on to address other things. First week of school stuff in the McOffense. The basics you get into right after you've gotten your syllabus. And the quarterback still struggles with them. And so the next time they touched the ball, it was a 3 & out. On that one, facing a 3rd & 3, the Bills sunk eight men down into the tackle box and the Pats ran it anyway, on a pitch to James White. No one was under any delusions they'd try an out route or a curl outside the numbers, to pick up the 1st. Or motion to a bunch formation and run one of those "snag" or "triangle" combos with a corner route, a "slant-settle" and the slot or RB releasing into the flat. Calls like that used to be automatic here. But 15 games into this season they're unimaginable. 

--My biggest disappointment in Newton is that I thought he'd be much better rolling the pocket and throwing on the run. I was counting on that element being a part of this offense for the first time since Steve Grogan in the 80s. That this offense would evolve and McDaniels would be calling tons of designed boots and Newton would buy himself time when the rush came up the middle and escape and create second reaction plays. The way ... oh, let's say, Josh Allen did for example. And Tua Tagovailoa before him. And Patrick Mahomes before him. In fact, the way most QBs seem to. On the season they're running a Rollout Completion Deficit of about 250 to 1. And don't ask me to name the 1. The best we can hope for when a play begins to break down is this:

Which is fine. That was a genuinely impressive display of toughness and athleticism. But as we've learned if you can't ever take a shot at the endzone, these scramble runs are a just a bandaid on an amputated limb.

--By no means am I saying Jarrett Stidham is showing us more in this department. It's a small sample size but whenever he rolls out, it just seems manic. Erratic. Less like Allen staying in control, keeping his eyes upfield and waiting to throw someone open, and more like Shaggy running away from the Phantom in a haunted amusement park. On one he managed to connect with Meyers, thanks to Meyers pulling the ball off his socks. But the next one was a heave out of bounds where he seemed panicked. Not to mention, he too bounced throws. First to Byrd, sitting down underneath Buffalo linebackers playing a deep zone. Then he missed Harry up the sidelines in what I think was an option route based on the corner's inside/outside leverage. He was outside the coverage and went on a go route while Stidham went inside and the ball was rolling to a stop by the time Harry even saw it. The completions he did have were of the automatic 7-on-7 drills type. Meyers left alone on a slant. A short completion to White in the flat on 3rd & 10 that had no chance of picking up the 1st. 

--Granted, Stidham ended up throwing for 10 more yards than Newton did. And should start the final game against the Jets. But not on the basis of any of this. Just the fact that in his last 3 1/2 games at Gillette, Newton has thrown for 334 yards. In the first 30 minutes of his last game on Saturday, Tom Brady threw for 340. And had one fewer passing touchdowns than Newton has all year. Now if you'll excuse me for a second, I need to pause here and pray for the sweet release of death. 

--Alright, I'm back. To complain about the rookie tight ends. I don't know what I'm supposed to expect out of them, but this is definitely not it. Calling them non-factors would be an insult to factors. They're something less than that and I can't process it. Devin Asiasi played 47 of the team's 50 offensive snaps. By far his most of the season. And he played like Assass. He got his hands on both of his targets, but kept his reception total on the year at a comfortable zero. Including this one, which, while off target a little, was not broken up by Jordan Poyer, it was just dropped. In addition Asiasi was regularly getting blown up in the run game. Once he got stood up Jerry Hughes while Jakob Johnson was having the same issue with Matt Milano, and Newton was lucky just to make it back to the LOS. Newton was less lucky on the last possession before the half, when Asiasi got trucked by Dean Marlowe for a sack. Even on Newton's touchdown run, Meyers had to tell him where to line up. Even with an abbreviated, SparkNotes offseason, that's not a good sign this deep into the year. Asiasi was a highly regarded prospect and the second tight end to come off the board. The fact he's contributed nothing on the year isn't on him or the person who drafted him, it's on the ones who failed to coach him. At least I hope so. If he's this bad next year he'll be the worst pick since Ras-IR Dowling went 33rd overall. 

--In case you missed him, fellow rookie TE Dalton Keene played three snaps. Buffalo's two tight ends combined for five catches, 82 yards and a touchdown. It's amazing what you can achieve when one of your most important offensive positions is actually a part of your offense.

--On the other side of the ball, there is a pile of triceratops shit to sift through. Adam Butler twice jumping offsides, the second time negating JC Jackson's interception in the endzone. On a 4th & 1, Adrian Phillips got caught diving inside off the edge, leaving his whole side of the field open for Allen to escape for 22 yards. Deatrich Wise, Jr. continues to play less like a guy with Size 18 feet and more like someone with my delicate little girly Size 8s. (True confession by me. Let my courage to go public with this inspire others to break their silence.) On Zack Moss' touchdown, Wise got swallowed whole by a Jon Feliciano iso block (while Daryl Williams walled off Josh Uche on the outside) and left a huge gap for Moss to casually meander through. 

Another time Dawson Knox went right over Wise up the seam for 24 yards and. And later on he had Moss stopped dead on a 3rd & 1 but the back kept churning his feet and plowed him over the yellow line. I'm not trying to single Wise out or anything. OK, I guess I am. But it's been happening consistently where he gets run over or is blown so far off the ball in his pass rush you wonder what coverage he's in. He won't be back next year.

--The biggest struggles obviously belonged to Jackson. He was able to stay with the most prolific wide receiver in the game this year for a while. He had Stefon Diggs blanketed all the way into the endzone on that 9-route when they were yapping at each other. But ultimately Diggs was the one who backed up all the talk. It looked like the Pats stayed with a lot of Cover-1 with Devin McCourty and later Myles Bryant as the single high safety. That left Jackson in solo coverage on the outside most of the time. And playing trailing technique, which doesn't have quite the same effectiveness when your only safety help is chasing  Gabriel Davis on a corner route, as happened on this over route:

The point being that JC Jackson is a very good corner. A UDFA who became a starter and is set to make a ton of money soon, he is overachieving. But going one-on-one against a top tier, All Pro receiver without help over the top is too big an ask at this point. I know the defense couldn't afford two safeties or to double Diggs because they can't stop the run or contain Allen without dropping someone down. But watching Diggs go off like this should've surprised no one. It was inevitable.

--Just don't blame Diggs' third on Jackson. Jason McCourty was on him by then. We were saying about Allen's ability to roll out, create space and throw on the move? 

--This Week's Applicable Movie Quote: "Well I'm not the one who just got buttfucked on national TV, DWAYNE! If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem. Now quit being part of the problem and put the other guy back on!" - John McLane, "Die Hard"

--I'm all about staying positive and loyalty is how I roll. As I like to say, this team is my ride or die (because I want to sound contemporary to everyone in 2010). But those Pats fans who were still on their Zoom call with ESPN cheering into their screens in the final minute of a 38-9 humiliation are an affront to us all. My guess is they have to be SAG actors working for the Disney corp for scale. No one in New England would be that anxious to play along with the network that slandered and libeled this franchise for 20 years just to see their mugs on TV. We don't produce those kinds of sheeple around here. 

--Speaking of which, can somebody at the WorldWide Leader please tell Chris Berman that it's time? He's had a run unlike anybody ever has. But all careers have a beginning a middle and an end. He's reached all three. For a while it felt like seeing bored, out of shape Elvis mumbling his way through "Clambake." Now it's Fat Vegas Elvis sweating through his jumpsuit and eating Peanut Butter & Barbiturates sandwiches.

--A win last night would've really only been a moral victory. I still prefer the old, immoral kind. 

--Any time a young, impressive talent like Josh Allen comes along, it's good for all of us. And he seems like a pretty good guy as far as elite athletes go. My only worry at this point is the media will overplay their hand on how he's just a Regular Guy who just wants to Hang Out and Just Be One of the Folks. It's in the early stages of giving off that vibe like Jennifer Lawrence when she was always going out of her way to be the Cool Chick Who Can Hang with the Guys, winning Oscars but talking about how she'd rather be eating wings and chugging beers while setting her Fantasy lineup and all that. Let's just let this guy be himself and knock it off with the carefully crafted image-making. It's starting to sound like the days of "Brett Favre isn't quarterback; he's a football player who'd play for free!" Let's not do that with this guy.

--This is just a suggestion. But maybe the Pats could solve their passing offense problem by working a scam where they bribe employees to secretly let air out of the footballs. It did work once. 

--Remember the happier times by buying a book. I'm just doing my part to promote literacy in America.